Writing: Correction of texts. Symbols: ww: wrong word. g:
grammar. p: punctuation. :
remove word. s: spelling. f-ww.:
(in)formal word. wo: word order. :
add a word.
I don’t like mobile phones for several reasons.
First, they contribute to noise pollution. Wherever you go,
apart from other noises made by cars, trucks, lawn mowers,
air-conditioning, etc., you can hear the ringing of mobile
phones. You hear the sound of a mobile phone and immediately
after that a number of people are checking their phones just
to see if theirs is the one ringing. Second, mobile phones
have decreased people's freedom, in the sense that wherever
you are if you have a phone, you can be found. And last, people
say that the radiation that is produced by these phones is
not good for your health. Anyway, the truth is that they are
very good in emergency situations. Having them in these circumstances
can even save a life. I reckon that this would be one of the
best uses for a mobile phone. Victoria G.
Explanations:
"because
of something" / "for several reasons" - the
difference is a question of frequency. Look up "because
of a reason" and "for a reason" in Google (in
quotes) and see the difference in frequency for yourself.
First,
- place a comma after "first."
"make
a contribution to" vs. "to contribute to" -
the first one sounds like you're contributing to charity,
or at least doing something positive.
"the"
is used to define which noise pollution you are writing about.
(i.e. "the" noise pollution in a particular place;
compare with: "this" noise pollution.) In this context,
you are writing about noise pollution in general so don't
use "the."
"a
number of people are checking" - people
"are" is correct, NOT people "is." "People"
is a plural word; compare "people are" to "they
are."
"their phones,
just to see" - there should be no comma here. It separates
the ideas confusing the reader.
"to
see if it were his phone the one ringing." Compare
this with: "to see if theirs is the one ringing." The
possessive pronoun "theirs" complements "their
phone" and "if it were" is a bit of Spanglish
(how a Spaniard says it when they translate what they say
in Spanish directly to English.)
"mobile phones have decreased people's freedom" - I think
that you are not talking about "this," "that"
or any "particular" freedom and neither are you
talking about a very general, abstract, philosophical "freedom"
so I would prefer to use a word like "people's"
or "your."
"If
you have a phone,
you can be found." Use a comma between the first and
second clause in conditional sentences if you start the first
clause with the conjunction "if." (i.e. "You
can be found if you have a phone." doesn't require a
comma.)
"it
is said" - This is rather formal in a less than formal
text which starts with "I don't like mobile phones .
. ." I prefer "people say."
"is
not good for your health" - I prefer this to "it
is not good for the health" or "people's
health." (This is a similar error to the one above).
Theoretically speaking, the latter example is ok, but because
we've already used it earlier in the text, it's a bit repetitive.
"it
is true to say" vs. "the truth is" - The first
sounds more formal.
"this
would be one of the best uses" vs "this is one of
the best uses" - Technically, the original sentence is
correct, but I prefer the more hypothecal sounding "would
be" because we rarely use mobile phones to save lives.
Text 2: If you like, try to correct the
text first. I've given you a few hints. See the key above.
I don't like mobile phones because sometimes we use them
unnecessarily. For example, it is very common to see people
in the street using their mobiles as if they were smoking
a cigarette, as a habit. In my opinion, mobile phones are
a big step ahead in many aspects the moment they give us the
chance of communicating to anyone anywhere on the planet from
anywhere else. Nevertheless, mobiles are just a tool for communicating,
not the objective of the communication itself. That is, we
should use mobiles when we have a real need to communicate,
not just because we have the means for communicating at our
fingertips. If we all made the most of this advice, we would
not waste so much time and money in empty and meaningless
conversations. On the other hand, however, telecommunication
companies would not keep making the huge profits they are
these days. The Telefonica Group, for instance, was the most
successful telecom in the world in 2006, ahead of AT&T. Its
profits were 40% higher than in the previous year. In my opinion,
this is a fact to be taken into account when complaining about
our financial problems. Mariana Castaño
Explanations:
In my opinion,
- Use a comma after parenthetical expressions.
mobiles
phones - I assume this is a Spanglish error as in Spanish
people say: "teléfonos móviles." Compare
with: "the Uniteds States." ("Los Estados
Unidos")
"as soon
as" - Possibly a direct translation of: "tan pronto
como." In this case, what you probably want to say is
"the moment..."
"it gives
us" - As the singular "it" refers to the plural
"mobile telephones," it is incorrect. The plural
"they" is the correct choice.
"the chance
of communicating" is technically correct but a lot less
frequent than "the chance to communicate." Now,
the question is, if you're taking an exam, will the examiner
be as tolerant as most readers about this issue.
"communicating
to someone" - "anyone" is a better choice of
word as it indicates that there is no limitation to whom you
can communicate to. "Someone" seems to indicate
that you're thinking of somebody in particular.
"in the
planet" - "in" is a synonym of "inside
the planet" (for example, in caves) and "on"
means on the surface of the planet (i.e. as with 99.9999%
of humanity).
"wherever
else" - "anywhere else" is similar to "anywhere
else" as both phrases indicate that there is no limitation
to where you can call. However, "from wherever else"
is very infrequent with about 600 results in a Google search
while "from anywhere else" gets around 628,000 results.
I can't say with 100% certainty that it's wrong, but I think
that an examiner would mark it so.
"Nevertheless" - I didn't mark this in the text, but I think it sounds formal and clashes with more informal words like "mobiles."
"...communicating,
not the objective..." - It's a good idea to pause between
these two parts of the sentence. Compare: "a tool for
communicating something ..." with "a tool for communicating"
and "something ...." These are two separate ideas,
but I get confused when I read the sentence without the comma
and I think you are "communicating the objective"
or something similar.
"itself.
This is" - Ok. Technically speaking you
could have a 180-word text with one period or "full stop."
Long sentences like these are more common in Spanish, but
keep your sentences shorter in English.
"This
is" - "That is"
is the correct phrase to use.
"when having
a real need" - Compare with: "when having a baby."Have"
is a state verb as is "need." You either "have"
(or "need") something or you don't. Using the present
continuous or gerund form indicates the idea of an activity
in progress, which is incoherent or illogical.
"not just
to communicate because the means for it is at our fingertips"
vs. "not just because we have the means for communicating
at our fingertips." I re-wrote this text because it was
difficult to understand.
"although telecommunication
companies..." vs. "On the other hand, however, telecommunication
companies..." - I would prefer the second option because you're
(a bit cynically - i.e. "skeptical of the motives of
others"), contrasting a trivial and expensive usage of
cellular phones , on the one hand, with the big corporations
interested in making a huge profit, on the other.
"would
not keep getting
the huge ..." - Again, compare with "having
a baby." "Have" is a state verb. You could
use other combinations of words like "generating a profit"
or the most common: "making a profit."
"benefits"
vs. "profits" - "Benefits" are what some
workers receive as employees of companies such as: "a
company car," "a private medical insurance policy,"
"a flexible work-schedule," etc. "Profits"
are what a company receives if it generates more income than
expenses. You're probably making a Spanglish error: "beneficios"
are not "benefits," they're "profits."
"they
have these days" - "they are
these days." Compare with: "Telefonica is/are getting/making
a huge profit these days." (Americans tend to prefer
"is" and British people "are.")
"The Telefonica
Group was in 2006
the most successful telecoms in the world" vs. "The
Telefonica Group was the most successful telecoms in the world
in 2006."
Put your expressions of time at the end of the sentence or
clause. Technically speaking, it may not be totally incorrect,
but Spanish people use this word order in Spanish and tend
to abuse it in English.
"ahead
of AT&T"
- you need the preposition of here.
"... the
most successful telecom" (Not, "telecoms")
.
Its
benefits ..." - Again, Spaniards should learn to start
new sentences more frequently.
"profits"
vs. "benefits" - see above.
"than
in the previous year" - "in"
means "during" and you're comparing the profits
from the first year with the profits from the second year,
NOT with the year itself. However, many native speakers would
probably say this.
"take
into account,"
NOT "take in account." This is the combination to
memorize. You might might have made this mistake because you
say "tener en cuenta" in Spanish.
"when
complaining about
our financial problems," NOT "when complaining for
our financial problems." This is the combination to memorize.
You might might have made this mistake because you say "por
nuestros problemas" in Spanish and "for" is
one way to translate "por."
The last point
is organizational in nature: the text is 190 words long, which
is no problem personally speaking. However, I've organized
these writing activities with the usual exams in mind (i.e.
CAE, FCE, EOI - Spain's official State examiners) in which
it's important not to go over a certain number of words. So,
you should take this into account if you're preparing for
such an exam.
Writing: Correction of texts.
:
remove word.
:
add a word. 
Text 1: If
you like, try to correct the text first. I've given you a few
hints. See the key above. 
